The BLOG
People-Pleasing, Trauma, Emotional Safety, Confidence, Relationships & Therapy
Exploring the psychology behind the patterns, thoughts and experiences that can be difficult to make sense of — from people-pleasing, overthinking and self-doubt to masking, boundaries, relationships, identity and self-expression.
Written by Charlotte Bailey, BABCP-accredited psychotherapist, speaker and spoken-word poet, drawing on over 15 years' experience in mental health.
Here you'll find psychological insights, relatable examples and practical ideas to help you understand yourself and the experiences that shape how you think, feel and relate to others.
What Is People-Pleasing – and Why Don’t We Always Realise We’re Doing It?
For a long time, I never thought I was a people-pleaser.
I just thought I was being kind. The one people could rely on. And thinking that felt good, because if we’re honest, who doesn’t want to be the one people know they can turn to when they need help?
Externally my behaviour suggested I was: Easygoing. Helpful. Laid Back.
Internally I felt: Mentally and Physically Exhausted. Wired. Resentful (but guilty for feeling that way), Anxious, Uncertain. Doubting. Self-conscious. On Edge…like I was stuck in hyper vigilance, on the look out for who, what, where and when I’d be needed and always feeling responsible for making sure everyone else felt ok.
Why Is People-Pleasing A Bad Thing?
For most of my life, I carried an inflated sense of responsibility for others and found myself trapped in a cycle of people-pleasing. I wasn’t aware of it at the time, but it was as if my self-worth hinged on my ability to cater to everyone else’s needs and gain their approval. I was starting to feel resentful. I knew something had to change.