The BLOG
People-Pleasing, Trauma, Emotional Safety, Confidence, Relationships & Therapy
Exploring the psychology behind the patterns, thoughts and experiences that can be difficult to make sense of — from people-pleasing, overthinking and self-doubt to masking, boundaries, relationships, identity and self-expression.
Written by Charlotte Bailey, BABCP-accredited psychotherapist, speaker and spoken-word poet, drawing on over 15 years' experience in mental health.
Here you'll find psychological insights, relatable examples and practical ideas to help you understand yourself and the experiences that shape how you think, feel and relate to others.
What Is People-Pleasing – and Why Don’t We Always Realise We’re Doing It?
For a long time, I never thought I was a people-pleaser.
I just thought I was being kind. The one people could rely on. And thinking that felt good, because if we’re honest, who doesn’t want to be the one people know they can turn to when they need help?
Externally my behaviour suggested I was: Easygoing. Helpful. Laid Back.
Internally I felt: Mentally and Physically Exhausted. Wired. Resentful (but guilty for feeling that way), Anxious, Uncertain. Doubting. Self-conscious. On Edge…like I was stuck in hyper vigilance, on the look out for who, what, where and when I’d be needed and always feeling responsible for making sure everyone else felt ok.
Why does it feel like you have no choice?
Have you ever felt trapped by the expectations of others - like saying no simply isn’t an option? That feeling of not having a choice is at the heart of people-pleasing. This blog explores where this belief come from, and how can you start to break free from it
ADHD, Feeling ‘too much’, and the path to People-Pleasing & Approval-Seeking
Do you find yourself constantly seeking reassurance from others? Worrying about how you’ll be perceived.? Approval-seeking is especially common among adults with ADHD.
How Do I Know If I Need Therapy? What if I’m not ‘bad enough’ for therapy?
If you’ve ever thought about therapy but stopped yourself from taking the step, you’re not alone.
So many people hold back, stuck in a loop of doubts, fears, and misconceptions. If you’ve ever wondered, "Is therapy really for me?" or "What if I’m not ‘bad enough’ for therapy?" or “What if the therapist thinks I’m weird?” this blog is for you.
Let’s explore some of the reasons people hesitate and how they might actually be keeping you from living the life you truly want.
How To Set Boundaries
Whether it’s agreeing to yet another work task, making time for that friend who only ever calls when they need something, or taking on family commitments that leave you feeling resentful and depleted, it’s exhausting. For those who have spent a lifetime putting others first, the idea of explicitly setting boundaries can make you feel sick with anxiety and like your body’s going into battle.
So, what does setting boundaries really mean? And why is it so hard, especially when you’ve been conditioned to people-please, avoid conflict, or seek approval at all costs?
3 Reasons Why You Might Be A People-Pleaser
Firstly, it’s important to move away from thinking of people-pleasing as just a fixed personality trait or ‘ just the way you are’. Instead, we should see it for what it truly is: a coping strategy.
People-pleasing is an ingenious coping mechanism that you likely developed in childhood to help meet certain needs or to protect yourself from perceived threats.
Here are 3 key reasons why you may have developed this coping strategy
How Do I Stop People-Pleasing?
If you’re asking yourself, ‘why can’t I stop people-pleasing?’ It’s because unfortunately, it's not easy! People-pleasing often stems from deeper issues which is why I encourage people-pleasers to engage in a therapy approach focused on addressing the root cause rather than teaching you ways to 'manage' how it feels. But, if accessing therapy isn’t possible, here are 6 ways to work towards stopping people-pleasing
How Do You Know If You Need Therapy?
It can be difficult to recognise when you might benefit from therapy, particularly if you’re someone who tends to prioritise others' needs over your own! This challenge is compounded by the common misconception things must be ‘bad enough’ before seeking support. In reality, therapy is most effective before a crisis hits, when you’re more capable of fully engaging in the process. Here are 10 signs that indicate therapy would be helpful.